At some point I should write about the last few weeks in DC, but I just can't get motivated right now. I will, at least, say thanks to Dave, Nikki, Lisa, Nathan, and Ilker for putting me up a few nights each over the first two weeks of the month - I really appreciate it!
In the meantime, though, I am off of work until January. I'm looking forward to both spending some quality time with Rick as well as catching up on "101 Things to do with RAM" over the next few weeks. But after the last few months, I realize that I've got a lot of thinking to do, too.
When I made my choice to leave back in May, I was hopeful for the future. I had a new job, a new place to live, and fell in love with the best man I've ever known. While a lot has gone right in my life since moving, I'm still dealing with the effects of a bad economy combined with the instability of freelancing after my original job fell through.
I love what I do for a living, but I saw the writing on the wall in November of last year. Since then - even before I had any inclination to leave town - I had been looking for more stable work.
The job hunt has gradually consumed my life ever since.
Rick finally pointed out to me today that my sense of self-worth has gotten far too wrapped up in my career (or lack of one) again. I had this problem back in college, and then it took a breakdown and a short stint in Utah of all places to get me grounded again. While I don't plan of running off to Mormanland USA again anytime soon, I do need to take a step back and get a better perspective on this.
The economy sucks. I'm gonna eat Ramen for awhile longer. Bank of America is gonna double my APR for no reason. My credit score is gonna suck for awhile. I'm gonna be in and work for another year. But it won't last forever.
The real issue, is, though, that I need to remember who I am before my job defines me. I've been wrapped up in theatre and music for so long, that at the end of the day I don't remember anything else. If I had to quit theatre and music, and find a new job and hobby...what would I do?
I seriously have no idea.
I know I'm capable of great things. I'm willing to work hard, willing to chase a dream, willing to try something new. The problem is, NOTHING excites me anymore. Nothing stands out as interesting, nothing seems worth it. I'm trying to go back and think about what I did before I got into the whole entertainment industry, and I vaguely remember things like Girl Scouts and volunteering at the archaeology site at Poplar Forest, taking electives in astrophysics and religious studies...but of all these things, nothing stands out as a future potential career, or even as a distraction to just pass the time.
I guess now is the time for some personal alchemy, and time to burn away everything I've constructed around me and figure out what I'm really supposed to be doing in this life.